Why didn't anyone tell me this?!
Spoiler Alert: If you want to go into this whole labour and birth thing totally oblivious then read the first point below and from point 3 of "Just after the baby arrives".
Also - This may be TMI but there are a couple of things which happened to me that I would have liked to have known going in... I know everyone's experience is different and I hope you sneeze and your well developed but small baby comes out in the placenta and you are in love with that baby from the second it is born and forever note that this was the best day of your life... I do really hope this for you. For the rest of the world - here are some things I wish I had known (I did not have a C-Section so while a lot of this is still pertinent if you do/did have a C - there are obviously some challenges/differences between a C and a V birth that I have not touched on and all of this is based on the assumption that you do not have staff or full time help - again a lot of this will still apply.):
When you are in labour/giving birth/at the hospital:
Before you have the baby, well meaning parents tell you to "get some sleep now." I remember this angering me a little because I could not sleep for long intervals because certain parts of my body would hurt and was a back-sleeper so I was not comfortable on my side and would wake in a panic thinking I had cut off the blood supply to my child if I woke on my back. I also peed several times a night so even without the baby, a good night's sleep was just not happening... but what they should have actually said and which would have been really helpful is:
Before the baby comes - when you can and if you can, nap - nap. 30 min/an hour - whatever you can get - because you never know when labour is going to start and you might be up for three days straight - so get some rest while you can before the contractions begin.
You can sleep while you are in labour... kind of - but you should definitely try. I went into labour at 4:30pm on a Monday and the contractions were pretty steady so I stayed up timing them until all hours of the night - at about 3 am I decided the baby was not coming and joined my husband (who had gone to bed at a sensible hour) in bed. My shock was that I was able to sleep and my contractions slowed down a bit. So my advice is: if you are having contractions (we are not talking active labour - if you are in active labour get thee to a hospital) then try to sleep because you are going to need it to get through the rest of labour and the birth. Anytime you can sleep when you are having contractions - do it.
Examinations to see how dilated you are - hurt almost as much (arguably more) than pushing the baby out. I actually pushed my son out for fear of another examination (I went through transition about 20 seconds after they said they were going to have to do another examination - coincidence? I think not.)
You have to deliver the placenta - I knew this in theory but so did not get this. You give birth to the baby - then about 30 min later (time is a blur so it might have been hours or minutes later - I am guesstimating 30), they give you a shot (elective) and pull out your placenta - through the place that you just pushed a baby out of. It is slippery and slimy and much smaller and easier to come out than a baby - but you are still pulling something out of that area - not fun.
If you have not had an episiotomy (which is when they give you a cut so you don't tear) - they have to examine you to see if you have torn/if you need stitches - since I was close to tearing (read above re: pushing baby out to avoid another examination) they had to poke around down there a bit - I have to say that this was the only time in the whole birth that I was rude - my exact words? "Dude. You have no idea how much this hurts. Make a decision. Now." I sounds nicer than it was - my voice was uber deep from having sucked gas and I was basically barking at them. (Them being the midwives who had delivered the baby).
This is incredibly graphic - so hold on to your seat belts. I was trying to equate giving birth to something - and it is very hard to do because, to be honest there is nothing like it. Obviously. The closest thing is passing a HUGE poo - I'm talking about the kind that make you cry out in pain and leave blood trails. If you have never experienced one of these - you might be in for a bit of a shock. Who am I kidding - you are in for a shock regardless. Another activity you can partake in to try and simulate the pain associated with birth would be to try and shove a grapefruit in your mouth (do not actually try this please) - that stretching burning sensation is what your va-ja-ja feels like when they head is coming through. Also like a big poo - it comes out and then gets sucked back in a couple times - that is - unless you are like me and familiar with the poo scenarios and say - oh hells no and just push that sucker out (note that this likely leads to tearing). Oh - and if a guy asks you want it feels like - kick him in the nards and ask him to describe what that feels like - same same, inexplicable.
Just after the baby arrives:
Post baby? You bleed - A LOT. Like scary "I am dying from blood loss" kind of lots. They tell you to bring maternity pads (or supply you with them) when you come to the hospital - bring loads. I cannot over-emphasise how much you bleed. I am telling you this so that you will know it is normal and not freak out. It is normal. Don't freak out. Also - you bleed for a really long time - like 6 weeks - so as long as you are not getting clots and the bleeding is not getting heavier - don't freak.
The first time you pee post baby hurts but it also goes on for forever - you will pee bucket loads because your bladder is back to normal (non-pea size) size - and it holds a lot more pee so you pee a huge amount - and that pee is acidic and BURNS. If you can pee in a bath or shower with the shower head running over your as you pee - do it. If you have a bidet? Get in there and run some water over you as you pee - there is nothing better. Also the burning while peeing lasts a while - so just pee in your tub/shower with the water running - there is no shame.
Again - this is might be TMI - but the first time I had to go number two was the most panic inducing PTSD moment I have ever had - I actually thought that I might be delivering another baby. My suggestion - get a pad and hold it against the area the baby came out of (obviously I am not suggesting you do this to a C-section cut - this is for V-births only) and press upwards as you push out what needs to come out. It sounds ridiculous but I am not sure I would have gone otherwise - and would likely be septic and dead now.
Kate Middleton did so much in helping Moms all over the world bring the correct attire to the hospital post baby. Ultimately you are going to walk out just about as big as you walked in - so pack accordingly. Also - you will have just given birth - so you are going to want to be in comfortable clothes - my suggestion (which I wore for the first two weeks bouncing around in cars to and from the NICU post baby) is: Black maternity leggings with a maternity top that comes down over your bum, and flats. I also had a nice open super soft cardigan my Mom had gotten me. Lesson: Just bring maternity clothes to the hospital - you can wear your skinny jeans later.
I don't know why but I did not think about the fact that I was going to essentially be like someone who was post-op after the birth. I got that it would be rough and that it would hurt but I did not think about the post-birth physical recovery. I had thought about it for people who had c-sections but never really put any thought into post V-birth recovery. Think of it this way - it is a surgery but instead of the Dr. cutting you open and getting whatever needs to get out, out - that thing (the baby here) makes his/her own way out without the ten blade but with the same effect - so like any major surgery you need time to heal. This is part of why you are so tired - after any major surgery you are told to rest up and get better - but after childbirth you can't; you have to take care of the baby who is up all through the night while you still need time to heal. So again - sleep when they sleep - the dishes can wait.
There is a size of clothing called "Newborn" which is smaller than 0-3 months (there is also premi for the wee little ones) - we had to ask people to get us some Newborn-size clothing because our little man spent his first few days swimming in 0-3 month baby grows/onesies. Suggestion: if your baby is full term and you have not been given an estimate of how big your baby is going to be - bring two newborn and two 0-3 month outfits with you to the hospital.
Breastfeeding is not easy for everyone. If it works like a charm - give God a high five and try not to gloat to your friends who are having troubles (e.g. showing that you can even feed your sleeping baby while in a a headstand post-natal yoga position? Not helpful. But do gloat in private - you are one of a select few from what I can tell.) I am AMAZED at how many of my friends have had issues breastfeeding - one had mastitis, one had low milk production, another had tons of random issues which ended in her nipples bleeding so badly that her son was almost getting more blood than milk (which was evident in his stools). My little man had a hard time latching - the NICU nurse (they are all angels walking this earth by the way) supplied me with something called a nipple shield which was a total lifesaver. You may never need them - but buy them at the drug store (Boots in the UK) and bring them to the hospital with you. If you don't need them (and again I hope you don't) then return them or pass them on to the next Mom... but if you do need them - they are invaluable. I am not sure I would have persevered without them - he spent days screaming at my boob - or getting squirt in the face and rooting around trying to get something into his mouth. I popped on the shield and he just latched right on. The downside is that you need to ween them off of it rather quickly (like within a week) so that they don't get used to it and so that you can get on with your life (they are a pain to wash and sterilise every time you have to feed - but they are a Godsend if you need them!) The upside is that if you have really chapped (or cracked or bleeding boobs) or if your little one is having a hard time latching (for reasons other than something like tongue tie) - you can get reprieve from the shields. Word of warning - if you do use them - ween the baby off it ASAP - they limit the amount of milk that the baby gets - but if the choice is between less milk or no breast milk at all/not establishing breastfeeding - then it might be something to consider.
Following on from my first point: Having been in a sorority, then law school and then a lawyer in a big law firm - I knew how to pull an all-nighter. I functioned very well on very little sleep. My honest opinion about people who talk about how tired they were and how little sleep you get was: "Wusses - it cant be that bad... the sleep deprivation? Totally not going to be a problem for me..." HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. Ha. There is no way to prepare you - just think of it as a right of passage and don't be fooled if you are coping well during the first couple weeks - if you are still coping between weeks six and eight when the exhaustion really catches up with then go to a trophy store and get yourself a medal that says "I survived sleep deprivation with no tears." Otherwise , congratulations, you now have understanding of what true sleep deprivation is and why people lose their marbles (and tell State secrets) when it happens to them. People will say "nap when they are napping" - do. it. I know the laundry needs to get done and the kitchen is a mess and you have not sent out thank you notes and you need to write your best friend back who emailed you three days ago... It can wait - sleep. Or you really risk hurting yourself or your baby (tripping, dropping things/babies, car accidents, filling bottles with coffee instead of milk - all things that happen too easily when we are tired) or slipping into a depression. Get a power nap (even if only 20-30 min) It will help - much more so than hoovering.
Baby blues/post-natal depression. There is this black hole that will keep trying to suck you in - you may regularly entertain thoughts like "what will happen to my baby if I fall down the stairs and die - will my husband make it home in time or will the baby die?" - "What will I do if my husband dies on the way home from work" and then you spend an hour obsessing over specific plans.... but wait. Before you buy a one-way ticket to wherever, stop. step back. take a deep breath. and take a step away from "the darkness." I remember speaking to a friend of mine two weeks post-natal and having her ask "are you having crazy thoughts about your husband dying yet?" I was so relieved to hear that someone else had gone through the same thing - so thought I would post here that it is totally normal - however, if you are suffering from post-natal depression (not just baby blues) do make sure you get professional help early and quickly.
Once you have settled in at home:
You are a baby expert - at least for your baby. A friend of mine has a little boy named Hugo and she said something really profound once: she said "I know I am a new Mum and don't know much - but this weekend I realised that actually, I am a Hugo expert" - that is SO true - you know that your baby likes to face out not in, or likes to be jiggled not bounced - you know that when the baby is tired he/she acts out or pulls his/her ear or rubs his/her eyes. YOU are the one that spends the most time with that baby and you are an expert - regardless of your experience - because, like all jobs - there is nothing better than on-the-job training!!
Advice is hard to take - mostly because we take it as a criticism.... try not to do that. I am never thinking "she is a rubbish mum" when I suggest propping the baby up for 30 min after a feed if she is regularly sick after eating... it is just something that worked for me and my little one - and I am sharing so that you can give it a go. You are likely already doing whatever it is that people are advising you to do - but be gracious and try not to assume the worst - sometimes people are just telling you something to sympathise but 99% of the time they are trying to help. Trust me - I know how annoying it is when my little man is tired and I know he is tired and people surrounding me are saying "I think he's hungry" or "he seems hot" or "I think he might need a nappy change" - just smile and say "maybe that's it" and put him down for a nap. Inevitably they will say "I guess he was just tired". Try to smile and say "I guess so!"
This is your job - if you have not hired or gotten someone else to look after your baby (e.g. nanny, day care people, child minder, relative, friend....) then it is your job to do so. Facebook, blogging, chatting with friends? These things need to come AFTER the needs of your baby. Put down your phone and check email and Facebook when your baby is sleeping (naps or after he/she goes to bed). Spend time teaching your little one nursery rhymes and get on the floor and play with them. Take time to go out on walks and turn the TV off until they go to sleep. It is amazing to see how much they can learn. I know how hard this is to do in reality - but if you think about it like this: If you were acting this way at your "real" job - wouldn't you be fired? So why are you acting that way (constantly on the computer or the smart phone) when you are doing the most important job there is? If this is impossible for you try to make one day a week your exclusive baby day - no email, Facebook, TV, texting, WhatsApping, surfing the net, no chores -just one day that is all about your baby - going on a picnic, a drive, a walk - sit on the ground with them and play with them and their toys - sing to them or do a puppet show for them just spend a day being a kid with them again - it is ADDICTIVE!
Nobody is perfect. You are going to lose your cool on your sweet little innocent terrorist... I mean baby... :) at some point. It might be three o'clock in the morning when he is wailing for what seems to be no reason - or when you need to feed yourself because you have not eaten in hours because you have been tending to your baby. Or it might be when you really need to get something done and the baby is really tired and crying and your plan is to finish what you are doing so you can go on a walk/drive and they can sleep... but they won't. stop. crying. So you yell or kick something (not the baby) or just clench your teeth really tightly and through gritted teeth say "CAN I PLEASE HAVE ONE MINUTE? ONE MINUTE TO DO SOMETHING FOR ME??!!" Then when you get food, or get out of the door or he burps or farts or poops and you realise that is what the issue was... you feel awful.. .my advice? Ask your baby for forgiveness - look them in the eye and say "Johnny (only if your baby's name is actually Johnny), please forgive Momma for _______ (fill in the blank with whatever you did - shouting, throwing a temper tantrum etc.). I was just ________ (fill in the blank with hungry, tired, PMSing...) and I was wrong to take my frustration out in front of you - please forgive me for ___________ (fill in the blank with yelling, kicking the trash can or whatever you did to vent your anger)." Whatever you do - do not shake your baby or throw them on the bed or squeeze them in anger - if you need to - put them in their bed and walk away and vent your anger on yourself, an inanimate object - whatever - just remember that one temper tantrum directed at your baby could have life long consequences - brain damage, snapped spinal cord, damaged limbs - not to mention prosecution for child abuse. So keep your cool. I pray about it - asking God to fill me with compassion and patience instead of anger and selfishness. Also anything you are doing? Unless it is putting out a fire or something equally life threatening - can wait. Tend to your baby and then do it - even if it does not get done for another week - leave it. If you are really struggling with this - talk to someone about it - community midwife, GP, health visitor etc. Do not be afraid of getting some help if you need it.
