The Love of My Life... Eventually
We had Luke at the end of July and he transferred to a trauma one hospital the day after he was born for surgery (which, praise God he did not need) and he ended up being in NICU on antibiotics for a week - so the recovery time which was meant to be spent in a bed with the baby next to me was actually spent in a car bouncing over pot holes (you will understand how bad this is post baby) with what felt like no shocks. So we were in crisis mode followed by "yay - baby is home" mode. I had my parents and my husband here and our house was spotless, meals were cooked, the shopping was done and the garden looked like something out of a magazine. And then everyone left and it was just me and the baby. Looking back I think I had some sort of post-natal depression - or extreme baby blues. I remember not feeling any affinity towards my baby - I was there to take care of him and do what needed to be done but I didn't love him - or really know him.
He was a little terrorist who had come into our house and took over every aspect of my life... and I was totally on my own. My husband was back at work and I remember looking at the clock and thinking "it is only noon? three? five?.... can I get in touch with him now to see when he will be home?" When he would walk in the door I was so relieved to give him Luke. I needed ten minutes to myself - even if those 10 minutes were spent cooking or cleaning - I wanted to do anything but take care of him for a while. But I was able to care for him and didn't have any thoughts of harming him or myself - I was just not IN LOVE with him...
I remember asking my husband "do you really LOVE him?" George looked at me like I was a little crazy and with raised eyebrows said "yes...." His was a love at first sight - as was my friend of mine who had her baby girl around the same time as me. But others felt the same way as I did - we are the ones who have a hard time remembering our babies' names, we felt like babysitters, not Moms. We were happy with out little people but not in love with them.
Then over time - it happened. I fell in love with him - the same way I would with a guy - he won me over with his sweet smile, explorative personality, boisterous laugh and whole body hugs. He is sitting next to me now playing with a book and just gave a HUGE yawn and then smiled at himself for how big it was... my heart is full of love - but I can't tell you when that happened.... it just did.
Here are a few suggestions if you are struggling:
First - this goes for just about anything you are dealing with... talk to someone you trust - you will be surprised but a lot of people will be going through the same thing you are.
Talk to your husband/partner - tell them what you are going through, he might not totally understand but if he knows that you are struggling he may be able to suggest or do some things to help.
Walk towards the light... do not let the darkness suck you in. It is hard to explain - but there are some very dark thoughts that can come after the birth of your baby - you can entertain them or you can set your mind on more positive things - In Colossians 3:2 the Bible says "Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things" - this is great advice... pray and ask for strength and help; try to think about all the blessings you have in your life... don't start dwelling on the bad or the ugly - this will only lead to more ugly and more bad.
Get outside once a day. No matter what - rain, shine, wind, snow - try to at least go on a 10 min walk around the block if that is all you can muster. Fresh air will undoubtably lift your mood.
3:00pm seemed to be the when-is-this-day-going-to-end hour for me - my suggestion - get the tunes on... something happy - Pop, Country, Christian - whatever makes you happy. Personally; 3:00 became known as "Taylor Swift Time". Dance around - your little one will love seeing you make a fool of yourself, you will burn some calories and get your endorphins up.
Take (at least) a day a week and devote it solely to your little person. I would make sure I would keep one day a week free from lunch dates, coffee dates and the like and take him to the park, cook him his favourite meals - stay off Facebook, not do dishes or laundry and stay off my phone unless he was napping and just read, play and chill with him. It was amazing that those were always the best days - and those were the days that allowed me to really get to know him... and thus fall in love with him.
Try to take some time off - even if you are breastfeeding and the baby is not taking bottles (which was my experience) - between feeds you should still be able to go get your hair washed and blown out (if you are short on cash have a friend or a trainee hairdresser do it) or get a pedicure or a quick massage. Try to get away for a bit - as the old saying goes "absence makes the heart grow fonder." Also - a few hours alone with your little one will really open your other half's eyes to how hard taking care of a little person actually is.
But if it is really bad - not just the baby blues but post-natal depression - get help. In the UK - contact http://www.pandasfoundation.org.uk or type "post natal depression support" into your search browser and find someone near you.
